


Salvation

by whatpeanut



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M, Poetry, Religious Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-08
Updated: 2012-12-08
Packaged: 2017-11-20 15:45:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/587007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatpeanut/pseuds/whatpeanut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say God made us in his image<br/>and you think<br/>God must have loved Hyukjae<br/>because he’s the most beautiful thing you've ever laid eyes on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Salvation

**Author's Note:**

> As a disclaimer, I want to add that I mean no offense towards the subject. I know religion can be a very sensitive topic and I intend no harm in my interpretation. I deeply apologize in advance if you take offense to anything written here.

As a child,   
there was this prickling feeling that you were different.  
You didn’t know what it was,  
so you kept it to yourself.  
Maybe one day when you grow up you’ll understand.  
  
 _We are children of god_ ,  
is what you’ve been told all your life.  
 _We are his children and he loves us._  
  
You didn’t know much about God  
but you wanted Him to love you.  
You didn’t know much about heaven  
but they promised you  
      salvation.  
You liked that word,  
so you filled your heart with faith.  
  
  
*  
When you got older,  
you knew.  
  
You knew when a boy with single eyelids took your face between his palms

You knew when he laughed all teeth and gums  
You knew when he dragged you across the street on a red light  
and all you could think about  
was how your heart was going to explode because he took your hand.  
  
And  
you knew  
when you told your mother.  
She looked at you like something was wrong.  
  
  
*  
They say God made us in his image  
and you think  
God must have loved Hyukjae  
because he’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever laid eyes on.  
  
  
*  
Later,  
they all tell you it’s wrong;  
it’s wrong to feel this way about someone like him.

     him.

They tell you not to trust the heart    
and you believe them.  
After all, they hold the promise of 

     salvation.

  
So you pray to be saved—  
saved from this staggering want.  
You’ve never wanted something so  _wrong_  in your life.  
  
 _“thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind”_  
You close your eyes and somehow all you see  
is the wrinkle under his eyes

_“it is abomination.”_

the brightness in his smile

      _Leviticus 18:22_

and that look—  
  
oh god—  
  
the way he  _looks_ _at you_.  
  
 _“is abomination.”_  
  
Save me, you pray,  
scream in your head.  
Please, God.  
Please please please!  
  
Save me.  
  
You prayed until your heart was numb  
and you thought you loved this man a little less.  
  
  
*  
He takes your father on a Sunday morning.

     Sunday

          morning

when you were at church begging Him not to.

  
Your mother sends prayers but later weeps when she thinks you don’t see her there  
in the dark  
her face in her palms.  
Hate welled up in you like the tears that fill your eye sockets  
But somehow all you could whisper was sorry.  
Sorry sorry sorry  
  
 _He’s in a better place now,_  
is what they tell you.  
 _God gives and takes_  
Patch the uncertainty and the anger in your faith  
 _It was his time._

          Except no it wasn’t.

  
No it wasn’t because he never got to see you  
there where he’d always,   
always dreamed to see you one day;  
on the stage  
dancing under the blinding lights.  
  
And blinding light  
was all your father got to see.  
Your father who believed in God.  
  
  
*  
That’s when you first started to feel  
       lonely.  
The kind of loneliness you can’t fix with people  
And through the holes in your faith you dream  
of him.  
  
of him smiling into your mouth

     of your skin dipping under his fingers

          of eyelashes tickling your cheeks

               of wrinkles forming in the corners of eyes

                    of I love you and I don’t care if I go to hell for this

  
and that’s when you wake up  
terrified   
of the creations of your own mind  
and you’re almost too scared to pray  
scared  
because by now   
you realize your heart is full,  
and your prayers can’t save you.  
  
This is who you are.  
This is who He made you.  
  
  
  
  
*  
“Do you love me?”

     He asks you one day

  
“Because I love you,”

     He says when you don’t answer.

  
“Very much.”  
  
You tell him you want to believe in heaven.  
“So believe in heaven” he says like nothing is wrong  
with the way he leans into you

     the way he grabs the hair behind your ears

          (electric on your scalp)

             and the way you don’t resist when

 

                             he kisses you.

  
You think you could die like this. 

  
When he pulls back eventually  
he looks at you,

  smiles,

    traces your weary lips with his thumb.

      And you swear

  
        you saw heaven in his eyes.

 

 


End file.
